Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

      

Often times in order for women to desire physical intimacy,

they must first feel emotionally close to their husband.

“A wife is not going to be too excited about a husband who spends all his time at work, at church meetings, in hobbies that exclude her, or in front of the television or newspaper. A husband who always spends time in ways that exclude his wife communicates to her that she is not very important. Yet his wife should be the most important person in his life.

President Spencer W. Kimball, referring to Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else', said that 'the words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.' (Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 250.)

If her husband places other things first and is unable to find time to develop intimacy in other parts of his relationship with his wife, she will probably not be very interested in sexual intimacy” (Barlow, 1986).

 Over the years in my marriage, my husband placed his work and his family of origin over our relationship, causing anger, frustration, and resentment to build up inside of me.

Our marriage is in a critical rebuilding stage.  

Thankfully, there have been no breaches of sexual infidelity...my heart couldn't take that!
 

However, when occupation and other people took precedence over me, as the companion spouse throughout the years…it damaged our relationship.

This principle of a husband and wife cleaving together is so significant that it is repeated in both the Old and the New Testaments of the Holy Bible, in the Doctrine and Covenants, and in the Pearl of Great Price! Therefore, it is found in all four of our standard works along with modern day prophets speaking about cleaving unto our spouse!

“In 1831 the Lord revealed the law of the Church to the newly gathered Saints and commanded, 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' (D&C 42:22). This is the only place in scripture where the Lord asks us to love anything or anyone with all our hearts besides Himself… 

It is apparent that cleaving is empowered by genuine love… 

President Hinckley has taught on several occasions that one’s spouse should be treated in special regard. He said that a husband should regard his wife 'as the greatest treasure of his life.' In Matthew 6:21 we read, 'For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also'…

Cleaving is about making choices that reflect our priorities. Without appropriately leaving and appropriately cleaving, a couple can never expect to fully become one…

Eventually, every disciple of Christ comes to understand that gospel principles are, in reality, transforming principles. 

This transformation requires a change of heart, a change of mind, and even a change of living.” (Richardson, 2005).

My husband and I will continue to learn to counsel together toward consensus to unify our priorities so we can progress in our marriage to leave, cleave, and eventually have our "hearts knit together in unity and love” (Mosiah 18:21).

We are focusing on rebuilding friendship, trust, and loyalty in our husband-wife relationship to heal our marriage, one week, and one day at a time.

And I continue to work at pulling the weeds of resentment that had once blinded my view.

This last weekend we had an amazing spiritual high and a whole lot of fun!

It began with me picking up my husband after he got off work on Saturday night. We traded places so my husband was driving down the unfamiliar highways not knowing our final destination! Since the roads were narrow and hilly and the nocturnal critters were out, plus it was a dark November night, it truly was an adventure to arrive at our lovely destination of a log cabin to spend the night at midnight!

The next morning we got up early and attended Sacrament meeting in Far West, Missouri. Following the ordinance of the Sacrament, they held their Primary Sacrament Presentation. The Spirit was extremely strong as the children sang and bore pure testimonies of truth. Then we and another couple, Colby & Shelia - whom I planned this entire surprise adventure with - went to the Church historic sites in the area, including the Far West Temple site and to the outdoor temple of Adam-ondi-Ahman.

This was an extremely spiritual day for us!

Along with Colby & Shelia, we also met two other couples, friends of theirs who instantly became dear friends on this trip as we had excellent conversations, yummy food, and a ton of fun together!

“Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. Have weekly dates doing those things that you enjoy together. Find ways to improve your relationship…Be patient. Be true to your covenants…Trust the Lord that He can heal all wounds…

Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship…

‘The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.’ If we tend our little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding” (Goddard, 2009).

My husband and I look forward to our future date adventures together that continue to strengthen our relationship! Our precious time for "us" helps us to tend our little patch.

As a gift to my husband (and to myself!) I plan to order a book that has come highly recommended to me about the beauty and glory of sexual intimacy in marriage.

"May I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps ought to render such a sacred bond as ‘welding’--that those united in matrimony and eternal families are ‘welded’ together, inseparable if you will, to withstand the temptations of the adversary and the afflictions of mortality. (See D&C 128:18.)

But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple. And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of--indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of--that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise.

As delicate as it is to mention in such a setting, I nevertheless trust your maturity to understand that physiologically we are created as men and women to fit together in such a union. In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally 'one' as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become ‘one flesh’” (Holland, 1988).

This holy act of becoming one flesh and the power of procreation unites us with God.

Barlow, B. A. "Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.

Goddard, H. Wallace, (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT, Joymap Publishing. 
Holland, J. R. "Of souls, symbols, and sacraments", BYU Devotional address, 12 January 1988.

Richardson, M.O. “Three principles of marriage” Ensign, April 2005.