Often times
in order for women to desire physical intimacy,
they must
first feel emotionally close to their husband.
“A wife is not going
to be too excited about a husband who spends all his time at work, at church
meetings, in hobbies that exclude her, or in front of the television or
newspaper. A husband who always spends time in ways that exclude his wife
communicates to her that she is not very important. Yet his wife should be the
most important person in his life.
President Spencer W.
Kimball, referring to Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 'Thou shalt
love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else',
said that 'the words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse
then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social
life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person
nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.' (Miracle of
Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 250.)
If her husband places
other things first and is unable to find time to develop intimacy in other
parts of his relationship with his wife, she will probably not be very
interested in sexual intimacy” (Barlow, 1986).
Over the years in my marriage, my
husband placed his work and his family of origin over our relationship, causing
anger, frustration, and resentment to build up inside of me.
Thankfully, there have been no breaches of sexual infidelity...my heart couldn't take that!
However, when occupation and other
people took precedence over me, as the companion spouse throughout the years…it
damaged our relationship.
This principle of a husband and wife
cleaving together is so significant that it is repeated in both the Old and the New Testaments of the Holy Bible,
in the Doctrine and Covenants, and in the Pearl of Great Price! Therefore, it is found
in all four of our standard works along with modern day prophets speaking about
cleaving unto our spouse!
“In 1831 the Lord revealed the law
of the Church to the newly gathered Saints and commanded, 'Thou shalt love thy
wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' (D&C
42:22). This is the only place in scripture where the Lord asks us to love
anything or anyone with all our hearts besides Himself…
It is apparent that cleaving is
empowered by genuine love…
President Hinckley has taught on
several occasions that one’s spouse should be treated in special regard. He
said that a husband should regard his wife 'as the greatest treasure of his
life.' In Matthew 6:21 we read, 'For where your treasure is, there will your
heart be also'…
Cleaving is about making choices
that reflect our priorities. Without appropriately leaving and appropriately
cleaving, a couple can never expect to fully become one…
Eventually, every disciple of Christ
comes to understand that gospel principles are, in reality, transforming
principles.
This transformation requires a
change of heart, a change of mind, and even a change of living.” (Richardson, 2005).
My husband and I will continue to
learn to counsel together toward consensus to unify our priorities so we can progress
in our marriage to leave, cleave, and eventually have our "hearts knit
together in unity and love” (Mosiah 18:21).
We are focusing on rebuilding friendship, trust, and loyalty in our husband-wife relationship to heal our marriage, one week, and one day at a time.
And I continue to work at pulling the weeds of resentment that had once blinded my view.
This last weekend we had an amazing
spiritual high and a whole lot of fun!
It began with me picking up my
husband after he got off work on Saturday night. We traded places so my husband
was driving down the unfamiliar highways not knowing our final destination!
Since the roads were narrow and hilly and the nocturnal critters were out, plus
it was a dark November night, it truly was an adventure to arrive at our lovely
destination of a log cabin to spend the night at midnight!
The next morning we got up early and
attended Sacrament meeting in Far West, Missouri. Following the ordinance of
the Sacrament, they held their Primary Sacrament Presentation. The Spirit was
extremely strong as the children sang and bore pure testimonies of truth. Then
we and another couple, Colby & Shelia - whom I planned this entire surprise
adventure with - went to the Church historic sites in the area, including the
Far West Temple site and to the outdoor temple of Adam-ondi-Ahman.
This was an extremely spiritual day
for us!
Along with Colby & Shelia, we
also met two other couples, friends of theirs who instantly became dear friends
on this trip as we had excellent conversations, yummy food, and a ton of fun
together!
“Spend more
enjoyable time with your spouse. Have weekly dates doing those things that you
enjoy together. Find ways to improve your relationship…Be patient. Be true to
your covenants…Trust the Lord that He can heal all wounds…
Celebrate the sweet
gift of companionship…
‘The grass is greener
on the side of the fence you water.’ If we tend our little patch, even with all
its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding” (Goddard, 2009).
My husband and I look
forward to our future date adventures together that continue to strengthen our
relationship! Our precious time for "us" helps us to tend our little
patch.
As a gift to my husband (and to
myself!) I plan to order a book that has come highly recommended to me about
the beauty and glory of sexual intimacy in marriage.
"May I suggest that
human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married
couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act
of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol
of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love,
their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to
suggest in the temple with a word like seal. The Prophet Joseph Smith
once said we perhaps ought to render such a sacred bond as ‘welding’--that
those united in matrimony and eternal families are ‘welded’ together, inseparable
if you will, to withstand the temptations of the adversary and the afflictions
of mortality. (See D&C 128:18.)
But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple. And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of--indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of--that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise.
As delicate as it is to mention in such a setting, I nevertheless trust your maturity to understand that physiologically we are created as men and women to fit together in such a union. In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally 'one' as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become ‘one flesh’” (Holland, 1988).
But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple. And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of--indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of--that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise.
As delicate as it is to mention in such a setting, I nevertheless trust your maturity to understand that physiologically we are created as men and women to fit together in such a union. In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally 'one' as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become ‘one flesh’” (Holland, 1988).
This holy act of becoming one flesh and the power of procreation unites us with God.
Barlow, B. A. "Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.
Goddard, H.
Wallace, (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT, Joymap
Publishing.
Holland, J. R. "Of souls, symbols, and sacraments", BYU Devotional address, 12 January 1988.
Holland, J. R. "Of souls, symbols, and sacraments", BYU Devotional address, 12 January 1988.
Richardson, M.O. “Three principles of marriage” Ensign, April 2005.
