Emotional Connections

“Being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway” (Gottman, 1999).

Someday, I would like to conduct my own research experiment to compare these two types of time spent together!

 

 According to John Gottman, husbands and wives stay emotionally connected to each other through brief, daily exchanges that show “attention, affection, humor, or support” for one another as they ‘turn toward’ rather than away from their spouse. The accumulation of these interactions over time can serve as a protective factor within a marriage when a major life stressor occurs.
 

Gottman speaks of family rituals as one way to create shared meaning in relationships.

One of the rituals that my husband and I are firmly establishing is a cherished, weekly date night.

Our family rituals or traditions include celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas at Grandma’s house.

We cherish summer family reunions and celebrating the spiritual side of Christmas on Christmas Eve and enjoying Christmas day with family, food, and gifts.

 As an annual tradition, we give service to family members and to others in a wide variety of ways during the weeks leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Eve.



I started the tradition of giving a hand-written, personally dedicated special book as Birthday and Christmas gifts. Additional family rituals include attending an Easter sunrise service and watching General Conference together in April and October. Each year, my husband and I celebrate our wedding anniversary by going to the House of the Lord.

President Ezra Taft Benson (1988) taught, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.”

President Gordon B. Hinckley (1991) said, “I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of [the problems that lead to broken homes.] I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern from the comfort and well-being of one’s companion…The remedy for most marriage stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance…it is found in the Golden Rule.”

These are unstated mottos in which my husband and I have strived to live in our personal lives and in our marriage.  They are the foundation that saved our marriage during the rocky times.

H. Wallace Goddard (2009) teaches, “Marriage is full of tempests in teapots…The irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character.”

In fact, all inconveniences, irritations, and adversities are actually opportunities and blessings in disguise for our growth and development of Christlike qualities and nature.

Goddard went on to say, “Anytime we feel irritated with each other it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting…It is a matter of replacing irritation with compassion and charity…

God has hooked us up with partners and life experiences that are perfectly suited to grow us toward godhood…God is inviting us to solve the unpleasant chafing by becoming more like Him…

Having faith does not make everything easy. Rather, faith makes life and its challenges both bearable and meaning-filled.” 

This is how I must consider the dandelions in my marriage!

Obtaining anything of great worth, such as a stable, happy marriage requires tremendous sacrifice. 

 I desire for my life, my marriage, and my home to be Christ-centered. There is nothing more important to me. I will keep working to achieve this long term goal, along with utilizing the enabling power of the Savior's Atonement.

I desire to replace irritation with compassion and charity for my husband! He really is perfectly suited to help me progress toward becoming more Christlike.

When I use a broader, eternal lens to view my spouse and others, I can glimpse what is truly important and get a more accurate view. At these times, I can almost see the infinite worth and potential of the human soul. This is an exhilarating perspective to undertake, requiring a good deal of forgiveness and looking past ‘tempests in teapots’! It is up to me to put aside irritations and annoyances in my husband! 

 “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.”
^{Doctrine and Covenants 18:10}

"The Oyster"
Author: Unknown 

There once was an oyster
Whose story I tell,
Who found that some sand
Had gotten under his shell.
It was only one grain,
But it gave him such pain.
For oysters have feelings
That are very plain.

Now, did he berate
This harsh working of fate
That had brought him
Into such a deplorable state?
Did he curse at the government,
Call for election,
And claim that the sea should
Have given him protection?

No - he sad to himself
As he sat on his shell,
“Since I cannot remove it,
I shall simply improve it.”

Now the years have rolled by,
As years always do,
And he came to his ultimate
Destiny - oyster stew!

And the small grain of sand
That had bothered him so
Was a beautiful pearl
All richly aglow.
Now this tale has a moral;
For isn’t it grand
What an oyster can do
With a morsel of sand?

Now what couldn’t we do
If we’d only begin
With some of the things
That get under our skin?

References

Benson, E. T. (1988, May). The great commandment - Love the Lord, Ensign, 4.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Random House.

      Hinckley, G. B. (1991, May). What God hath joined together, Ensign, 73-74.