"Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character...
Marriage is perfectly designed to provoke us to desperation…
Therefore, even though John M. Gottman, PhD, believes the secret ingredient to a happy marriage is the strength of the marital friendship, he is only partially correct!
Happy marriages are built upon intimate, enduring friendships that have been transformed by the Savior, as their sure foundation.
A genuine friendship based upon mutual respect and a softened heart from living the principles of the gospel protects the marriage relationship from becoming overwhelmed with negativity when there are annoyances and irritations regarding one’s spouse. This phenomenon is called, “positive sentiment override”.
A couple’s strong, underlying friendship is what will preserve their marriage when times get rocky with disagreements and misunderstandings, because true friendship will lead to the husband and the wife offering a wide range of ‘repair attempts’ - an action or statement that “prevents negativity from escalating out of control…by diffusing a tense situation.” When repair attempts are successful, the marriage is capable of thriving as husband and wife endure adversity together in a positive manner.
After observing many, many marriages over time, Dr. Gottman can predict with 91% accuracy if a couple will remain together in a happy marriage or if their union will end in divorce!
He bases his predictions upon the ways in which a couple argue.
Some of the indicators he uses include the following things to avoid in a happy marriage:
The Harsh Startup - If a conversation begins with negative, accusatory, blaming statements it is most likely to end in a negative way. “96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes!”
The Four Horsemen:
1. Criticism - is more global than a
complaint because it attacks the person’s character.2. Contempt - “is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner” and includes name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, hostile humor, demeaning comments, and belligerence which is an aggressive form of anger “contain[ing] a threat or provocation
3. Defensiveness - when the attacking spouse won’t “back down or apologize” the other spouse uses defensiveness as “a way of blaming [their] partner”, escalating the conflict.
4. Stonewalling - disengagement in a relationship through non-response or leaving the setting of a conflict, typically by a husband as a coping mechanism resulting from long term conflict or flooding.
Flooding - feeling physically and emotionally overwhelmed by your spouse’s hostility directed at you. If you frequently come under their attack of criticism and contempt, you automatically place yourself on constant guard for signals when your partner is ready to barrage you again.
Body Language – Reoccurring flooding produces emotional distress and physical changes in the body such as increased heart rate and increased blood pressure, along with secretion of adrenaline to help us during the situation we perceive as a threat to fight or flee. During this time, it is more difficult to process communication from our spouse and a man’s typical response is to withdraw from the relationship.2
 |
| Flooding |
Since it is an inherently natural trait for me to want to talk about and try to ‘talk through’ sensitive matters with my husband, I have unfortunately not always had the best tactics in arguing with my spouse. I am not always sensitive to him and can be critical of him when I am "provoked to desperation"!
I realize this only produces a negative cycle that takes time and energy from the sweet, eternal progression of our marriage.
I must become more mindful of our conversations, lead out with a softer
start up, express my appreciation, love, and respect for him through positive
sentiment override and repair attempts.
To achieve continuous, positive thoughts regarding my husband, it takes me
remembering the positive when negative feelings encroach my mind.
I must “Look for the benevolent intent behind the bad behavior.”3
I am learning to rely on the Savior in tremendous ways
to strengthen
our relationship where we are weak.
“Friendship
will motivate one to cross the room one day and say, “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean
that.” It will not pretend perfection
nor demand it.”4
Friendship
in marriage is absolutely more profound than superficial romance.
Thank goodness as husband and wife, we have continued to court one another
and nurture our cherished friendship. Through the process, our love has grown
stronger.
"If two people love the Lord more than
their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working
together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure,
they are sure to have this great happiness. When a husband and wife go together
frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with
their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives
wholly chaste, mentally and physically, so that their whole thoughts and
desires and love are all centered in one being, their companion, and both are
working together for the building up of the kingdom of God, then happiness is
at its pinnacle".5
“Friendship is … a vital and
wonderful part of courtship and marriage. A relationship between a man and a woman
that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually
marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship. Nothing is more
inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a
husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year
in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of
mortality”6
One of the less obvious but more significant reasons for
divorce is “the lack of a constant enrichment in
marriage … an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special,
and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull.” He counseled:
“In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. It is a
constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of
gratitude. It is the encouraging and the helping of each other to grow.
Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine”.7
My husband and I were thrilled that last week, we got to
enjoy Monday evening Family Home Evening together (a fun service project with
the Young Single Adults in our area), we took a hike together in our local
state park on Thursday, and we had a date night by going out to eat and to the
temple on Friday night! We loved our wonderful week together!
Charity:
Suffereth long.
Is kind.
Envieth not.
Is not puffed up
(proud).
Seeketh not her own.
Is not easily
provoked.
Thinketh no evil.
Rejoiceth not in
iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth.
Beareth all things.
Believeth all things.
Hopeth all things.
Endureth all things.
Never faileth.
Is the greatest of
all.
Is the pure love of
Christ.
Endureth forever.8
1. H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, “Drawing
Heaven into Your Marriage”, 2009. 17, 33.
2. John M. Gottman, PhD, “The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work”, 1999.
3. Jonathan
Sandberg, Ph.D., professor at Brigham Young University School of Family Life.
4..
Marion D. Hanks, “Eternal
Marriage” October 1984 General Conference.
5. Spencer W. Kimball, “Marriage and
Divorce”, 1976, 24.
6. Marlin K. Jensen, “Friendship: A
Gospel Principle”, April 1999 General Conference.
7.. James E. Faust, “The Enriching
of Marriage”, October 1977 General Conference.
8.. Marriage and Family Relations Instructor’s
Manual, 2000, Lesson 3, 13–17.
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