Developing Charity

 “Working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (Gottman, 1999).

I want to incorporate the following 5 magical ways Dr. John Gottman says I can show my love to my husband and improve my marriage.

Partings

“Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day."

Time: 2 min X 5 work days = 10 min

Reunions

“Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday."

Hug and kiss for 6 seconds after arriving home to your spouse

Stress reducing conversation for 20 minutes.

Time: 20 min X 5 days = 1 hr. 40 min

Admiration and Appreciation

"Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse."

  Time: 5 min X 7 days = 35 min

Affection

"Kiss, hold grab, and touch each other during the time you’re together. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day…Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner."

Time: 5 min X 7 days = 35 min

Weekly Date

"This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other.”

2 hours each week = 2 hr

Total Weekly Time = 5 hours

By only investing 5 hours each week, my marriage can be strengthened!

One of the sweet blessings in my life has been that my husband and I have been going on a weekly date and I am so excited because I have a Special Surprise Date planned for us tonight!

I know this Adventure will strengthen our relationship and help us cherish one another more.

Our partings have been sweet, however, I could work on my reunions! Sometimes I am so busy and absorbed in what I am doing that I fail to show my love with a tender reunion.

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving, Gottman says, “Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt."

I know we will see miracles in our marriage, if I offer at least one “genuine, heartfelt praise” to my honey each day, looking for the good in him, foregoing the criticism, and freely forgiving him and myself.

“Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down” (Ashton, 1992).

 I need to be patient and non-judgmental as I accept my spouse’s differences, rather than magnify his faults and be annoyed, irritated, and inconvenienced by them…expecting him to change. 

My daily goal should be to 
lovingly serve, uplift, and show compassion for my dear husband.

I will continue to strive to conquer my own personal Mount Everest’s in life, to change my own weaknesses, and to develop charity.

 This is truly how we will discover the “Amazing Grace" of the Savior.

Ashton, M.J., “The tongue can be a sharp sword”, Ensign, May 1992, 19.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Random House.

Consecrating Ourselves in Our Marriage

Treat your spouse with the same respect

and good manners

that you would

your boss or an acquaintance!

Gottman’s Recipe 
for Resolving Conflict

1.   Soften your startup

2.  Learn to make and receive repair attempts

3.  Soothe yourself and each other

4.  Compromise

5.       Be tolerant of each others faults

 “Discussions invariably end 
on the same note they begin”
(Gottman, 1999).

By being gentle, 
we can have meaningful conversations and find solutions to problems!

How I approach my husband and begin our conversation
makes all the difference in the world! 

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it up until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by" (Howard, 2003). 

When I get frustrated with my honey, I have to calm back down, so I can love him better.

Some of Gottman’s Self-Soothing Techniques

     Sit in a comfortable chair or lie on your back on the floor.

  Focus on controlling your breathing. 
Focus on taking deep, regular breaths.

   Tighten, hold for two seconds, and then release tension in one muscle groups one at a time to promote relaxation.

    Let tension flow out of each muscle group.

Use guided imagery to focus and calm down.

I am a fan of guided imagery and I am trying to learn how to deep breathe properly to provide a multitude of physical and emotional health benefits. 

I am so excited, we have been having a weekly date 
ever since September!

This coming weekend, I have a very special, Surprise date night planned for my husband and I! He has Absolutely NO idea where we will be going, but I have told him to have a bag packed, because as soon as he gets off work, we will be on an Adventure! 

Am I willing to give away all of my petty grievances in my marriage to know God? (Alma 22:18).

Until I am ready to “give away all my sins” by giving up my petty grievances in my marriage, I am not ready to truly know the Savior. 

He is waiting for me to come unto Him. 

Am I ready to overlook and to forgive in a charitable fashion? 

My heart is softening more and more each day! I will continue to strive to put off the "natural criticizing woman" in me and look to the eternal potential in my good husband. 

I am ready to fully live the law of consecration in my marriage.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Random House. 
Howard, F. Burton, "Eternal Marriage", General Conference April 2003.